Play “Under Pressure”

Summer, the time everyone sits by the pool, sips on fruity drinks, lets the sun crisp their skin beyond a healthy point. Oh, how naïve I was to think that ideal picture of summer would last forever. Now, my previous reality seems like something that could only come out of an early 90s rom-com.

This summer has been one of the most stressful, exciting, confusing, and instrumental summers of my life. And it is not even done yet (Jesus, take the wheel). Instead of the sun basking on my face, I feel like I have been under one of those investigative lamps cops use on CSI. This constant spotlight has built up an immense sense of pressure that I have not been able to shake off.

The minute I left school, I was being berated with questions on what my plans were for the summer. The minute I walked in the door at my internship, I began working on high profile clients. The minute I landed in St. Louis for a school conference, I was being looked at for guidance by my team. It has just not stopped.

And who is to blame?

While this summer has brought me troubling moments, it has also shed a light on something I’ve been avoiding for far too long. Absolutely no one has been putting pressure on me this summer. Not my family, not my boss, not my team.

It’s always been me.

And for some absolutely terrible reason, I keep allowing myself to do this. I wake up and immediately I feel the weight of a thousand trucks on my chest. I walk into work in fear that what I say or do won’t be good enough, or even, will come off too confident. I hop on the phone with my parents and start doubting every answer I give to their genuinely harmless questions.

For months, I have been pumping pressure into this metaphorical balloon, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger, becoming more taut and stressed, desperately waiting for a break. But who is going to be the one to pop the balloon?

It has to be me.

And so, that is where I have found myself with three weeks left of my summer. In a limbo knowing I am putting too much pressure on myself, but also, not knowing how to stop. It is moments like this where I desperately search for clarity, and often times, I only find that through writing. And so, consider this an oath — to not stop writing until I find that clarity. Until I can release the pressure that has been building up for far too long. Because even listening to “Under Pressure” on repeat won’t release the pent up energy I have placed upon myself. But good try, Queen, good try.